I have been off the yoga teaching grid for a bit. My time at the Nu Movement Coop did not produce enough interest for me to do more than break even on the cost to rent the space. In all honesty, I lost money. I stuck with it for almost year like i said I would. In the end, no one was showing up but me.

I also taught for Inward Office and was told mid way through an 8 week session that students were complaining (legitimate complaints) and it was best to sub out the rest of the sessions to salvage the account.

Failure. Responsibility. Doubt. Worthiness. All of this came into play for me. It’s been months of working through and I’m still not through.

Most of this was due to my own lack of presence, preparation and planning. No guidelines. Why was I doing it like this?

I really dislike the idea of teaching yoga, unless it’s a foundations class where I am actually teaching postures. Still, I like to think of it as guiding a whole experience. Not just a physical experience that is hard and then a blissful shivasana. However, this is what people want. If you want people to show up you have to give them what they want right, or they don’t come back. Hence, my experience.

So, how do I integrate the whole experience - embodying presence with physical movements and breath within direct experience?

By bringing more of my presence into facilitating. I live my life this way, so stepping into a role to hold space and facilitate others doing this work is inorganic and detracts from the process. My practice must come first.

Accountability is hard. Self mentoring is hard. Taking responsibility is hard. Trusting the process is hard. Showing up is hard. Believing in yourself after failing 2 times at the same thing is hard.

And I’m still here, doing hard things.

Showing Up

I show up weekly to hold space for whomever shows up to participate in the experience of caring for themselves moment to moment within guided yoga postures. I have been practicing yoga for 20 years and my practice has evolved into one of embodied inquiry through presence and movement. I usually do yoga postures allowing my body to inform choices through sensation, emotion, just being present to whatever shows up and being curious to notice beyond thoughts and stories...what is happening. Judgement comes and I notice with curiosity. I sink deeper being with, being in, being. When I am guiding participants toward experience each moment I lose every distraction, calling them home to themselves to just be with what is for them right now. There are a few people who have been participating for months in this practice. It is such an honor to be trusted and to witness people experiencing their own being moment to moment. It is a sovereign practice. Empowering. Everyone is welcomed with unconditional positive regard in this experience. It is also very personal and individual. Interestingly, people so far attracted to this class are those who have made difficult choices and suffered. People who want to access themselves from a new perspective. Those who live with challenges and are transforming and deeply expanding their perception. 

Over the years, I have experienced integrated healing on many levels of my being through the evolution of my physical, emotional and spiritual practice. Being deeply present and accepting of what is true for me moment to moment within my practice of yoga postures has made it possible for me to be present in my day to day experience of life.  I have access to understanding and peace and joy beyond anything I have ever conceived or dreamed of.

I am hesitant to show up and share these big hopeful and seemingly privileged words. This is just my experience of healing. I have no great material wealth to prove my success.  I am not in a continuous state of bliss. I am content most of the time with whatever is happening.  I believe the most challenged I have felt is in continuing to offer what I have learned to others, through experiencing, not interpretation.  I have always been good at showing up for others, when they have communicated a specific need and ask me. Showing up for what I have to share, just as myself offering this to others-- is so so so much of a stretch into the discomfort of the unknown for me.  It is also exhilarating when I  begin and let go of those thoughts and concerns, embody presence and allow the bodies in the room to inform my choices moment to moment through the experience of guiding and movement and facilitating awareness.

This work requires all of me and I am so grateful to share it with whomever shows up to participate in their own experience.  Thank you for reading.